There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
