Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize