foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
