He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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