i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
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