I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
