if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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