i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
His nipple licking is glorious
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