and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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