At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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