I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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