I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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