Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
