Porn is love you can see.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
