I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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