I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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