i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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