i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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