my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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