after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
