this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish you could order shots online.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
