So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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