You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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