when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
