I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
