the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
