I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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