get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
And the cops told us we were all naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize