Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
