A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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