I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
