I wish my penis had an off switch
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
