I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
its liver damage thursday
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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