All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
