sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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