dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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