I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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