it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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