Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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