Will you blow on my dice?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you traded sex for a burrito?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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