Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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