not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
