I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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