So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
