just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
it was like eating out sand paper
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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