Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize