I faked an abortion last night.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
