A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
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