mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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