I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
