that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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