I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
