hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
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