I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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