And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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