Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
