The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
