My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize