Sry I called you an 8
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize