U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
