Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I see more hoeing in ur future
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
