Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
