then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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