You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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