have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
