it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize