I am puke
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
