Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dick very happy bro
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
