I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
