Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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